Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

Is Your Talk Hurting The One You Care About?

Sunday, March 21st, 2010 by Reeta Luthra

Long Term Sickness: When Talk HurtsImagine if you lived in a world where there were no other people, no animals, no birds, no fish, no insects. No life form whatsoever.

It might be a nice thought for a couple of days but after a while, it would no longer be a life, it would simply be an existence.

We are social creatures and relationships are important to us. They are a vital piece of what keeps us going.

Unfortunately, some people find themselves existing in social isolation because they keep hearing they’re not good enough.

When I helped Jamie with his chronic fatigue syndrome, he talked about his frustration over how his girlfriend discussed his condition with her friends… her work colleagues… on twitter… on Facebook and on her blog. He felt like an animal at the zoo because he could feel all these eyes on him and he didn’t know who they belonged to.

It upset him that his girlfriend, who was supportive in every other way, could have this level of disregard to his need to deal with his chronic fatigue syndrome in private.

Inadequacy

Knowing that everybody knew his problems made him feel inadequate and useless. Imagination can magnify our fears and Jamie was convinced everyone was laughing at him or feeling sorry for him. But because he was the one who was ill and she was the one housing, feeding and clothing him, he felt he had no right to discuss it with her.

He was however deeply affected by it and had actually delayed seeking therapy because if it didn’t work, it would just be another failure that his girlfriend would broadcast to everyone.

Social Escape

Caring for someone who is not well is a heavy responsibility and talking to others helps us to find some relief and gives us an escape. Sometimes, it also provides solutions through new perspectives and insights.

Yet, the person who is unwell needs his social escape too.

Because relationships are so important, it becomes debilitating to think that friends, family and strangers all know our weakness and vulnerabilities when we are still trying to come to terms with them ourselves.

It can lead to a state of mind where he cuts himself off from other people, refuses treatment or rebels in other ways.

The social escape he needs is not necessarily the one that comes through direct contact with people. It’s the one that comes from knowing that there is a way out for him, that there are people out there with the potential to see him as something more than his illness. This is what gives him the mental room to grow.

In a way, it’s similar to when mothers constantly talk of their children being a disappointment. Or when fathers congratulate the achievements of others and ignore or dismiss the achievements of their own children.

Emotional Support

If you are caring for someone who is not well, there are ways to balance your need for emotional support with respect for their privacy:

  • Be selective as to with whom you discuss the intimate details – perhaps just a few close friends.
  • See a coach or therapist for help with your own frustrations and fears over his illness.
  • If you do need to discuss it online, do it anonymously or with care to protect his identity. After all, his own friends could be reading what you’re writing and causing him further embarrassment.
  • Participate in an online or offline support group.
  • Include more positive references about him and fewer negative ones about his condition.

What tips do you have for supporting yourself emotionally when someone you love has a long-term health issue?


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Do These Green Eyed Monsters Lurk In Your Shadow?

Wednesday, March 17th, 2010 by Reeta Luthra

Jealousy: Do These Four Green Eyed Monsters Lurk In Your Shadow?There can’t be too many sane and rational people who haven’t been brought to their knees by the green-eyed monster at some point.

Jealousy is one of the strangest emotions around. There seems to be no earthly purpose for it, yet when it strikes, it can consume and drive all our good sense away.

However, like with all our emotions, no-one has put a hex on us – the jealousy has arisen due to the thoughts, associations, presuppositions, values and beliefs that we’ve been having.

With all its different manifestations, you could say jealousy is a bit like snow – ranging from a mild nuisance to severe with murderous intent.

Mildly Jealous: Slushy & Wet

A colleague you don’t like much gets a promotion you didn’t apply for. It niggles you and you think about it more than you want to – logically you don’t care but emotionally you don’t want them doing better than you.

This type of jealousy does have the potential to make you bitter and resentful but the good news is that it’s more of a nuisance than anything else. With a bit of self-control, it’s relatively easy to talk yourself out of it. You can even use it to motivate yourself towards more success and more of the things you want.

Moderately Jealous: Icy & Granular

A close friend enters a relationship or comes into some good fortune. Her attention is on something else and your life now has a hole. Logically, you’re happy for her. Emotionally, you want things how they were and resent her for enforcing a change that you did not want.

This type of jealousy is prickly and has the potential to make you do and say things you will regret later. It helps to watch your footing on this one because in the game of Rock, Scissors, Paper, a good friendship beats an empty hole every time. Talking to your friend could help clear the air allowing you to use this as an opportunity for personal development to broaden your own opportunities and independence.

Deeply Jealous: Soft, Dry & Powdery

Good things keep happening to other people and never to you. You’re fed up of it. You’re a hard-working, honest person but sadly misunderstood. Logically you know that’s just how it is. Emotionally, you are seething with the injustice of it all.

This type of jealousy accumulates over time – often silently without you even noticing because you’ve become masterful at labelling it as something else. Sometimes it shows in your extra cool behaviour and sharp comments. Often, you keep it inside letting it hide your own potential and forcing you into behaviours that aren’t in harmony with what you really want.

A single event may make you aware that you are jealous – but because of the accumulated nature of the stress, the single event is likely to be indicitive of a pattern of repressed values. Identifying your values and learning to live them will help you to release the jealousy.

Intensely Jealous: The Dense Slab of an Avalanche

A relationship ends badly. You’ve not had closure and logically and emotionally, you know that it shouldn’t have ended. He or she may have entered a new relationship (with indecent speed of course) and as well as the jealousy, you’re hit with intense, unbridled grief. You don’t know which way to turn and the isolation is debilitating.

This type of jealousy creates severe internal stress and creates true irrational behaviours. Jealousy has a bias to action, either now or as cold-blooded revenge in the future. It can make you focus on things that are not there. It can blind you to your need to go through the essential grieving process.

When jealousy and grief hit you together, the result can be an avalanche of emotions and thoughts that you need a snow plough to get out from under it.

Professional therapy or coaching is advisable so that all this pressure can be safely released allowing you to learn from what happened so that you do not do anything regrettable or take negativity such as depression into your future.

What other types of jealousy can you identify? What ways have you found to help you deal with jealousy?

Photo Credit: Urline

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