Anger serves an important function. It acts like a pressure cooker valve, allowing us to face and release a host of emotions.

Experiencing and releasing anger in a controlled manner lets us learn from the emotions we are feeling. It builds our emotional maturity as we develop ways to consider things differently.

Our childhood experiences can go on to influence the way we perceive and react to situations in the future. As a parent who knows that anger is an inevitable part of life, you want to teach your children skills to manage their anger in non-destructive ways.

Festering Anger

Passing anger is fleeting, it’s an emotional explosion that is forgotten about quickly. When young children throw a tantrum, they’re probably exploring their limits and boundaries and methods such as the “naughty step” become effective in calming the child down and helping him think about his behaviour.

Festering anger is different because the child enters a “thinking loop” that is being sustained by a variety of other feelings such as loss and rejection.

What’s going on in your child’s world?

Children lead very adventurous lives. As they are learning about the world around them, they experience many dramas almost on a daily basis. Some of these may introduce them to new emotions and conflicts such as loss and rejection. Helping your children with the “minor” dramas helps them to generate behaviours that will help them cope with more difficult situations in the future.

Being aware of what’s going on in your child’s world helps you understand the feelings they may be going through. Look out for events causing the introduction of new emotions that they may not know how to cope with. These can include:

• A playground squabble with a best friend
• A close friend moving abroad or going to a different school
• Not being allowed to go a party or sleep-over to which all his other friends are going
• The arrival of a new baby, especially when the child is older and used to having your undivided attention
• Parental divorce, redundancy or other family event that causes a disruption in your child’s lifestyle

Introduce strong behaviours and thinking patterns

Because anger is not something we can deny, and it’s certainly something that should not be repressed, here are some things you can do to help your child experience his anger in a way that he can learn from.

Talking & Reframing

Encouraging your child to talk about the things that are bothering him is an intensely personal activity that helps him to appreciate that his feelings are normal. Normality takes the drama away from an event, bringing it into a realm that can be more easily addressed.

• Speak to your child at his own level with words he can understand and let him say everything he needs to say – as often as he needs to say it
• Encourage him to draw or paint his feelings if he cannot express them and then help him re-paint the same picture with colours and shapes that help him feel better
• Guide him into a new interpretation of the event. For example, if his best friend has moved to Australia, in what way would learning about Australia help him to accept the move?
• Help him understand new feelings of loss and rejection with stories that inspire hope and forgiveness. The goal is to have your child understand that different people have different priorities and that these are not a personal reflection on him

Minimise Gossip

Gossiping feels satisfying because it makes you feel part of an accepted group. But it teaches that “people will say bad things about me behind my back“. It can even teach “In order to be liked, I must say bad things about others“.

Be Available

Sometimes children keep their feelings to themselves because they don’t want to upset you or get into trouble. If a child is taught early on that no topic is out of bounds, it encourages them to be open with you. It also lays the foundations for being honest with themselves later on in life.

The way you do this will depend on your own circumstances and the hours you work. Some families benefit from set “talking times” while others prefer to delay cooking or shopping for an hour if anyone is upset and needs to talk.

Set a Plan of Action

Because anger is a pressure cooker response, talking about the feelings helps to release some of this anger. However, to help your child learn from the root feelings behind his anger, planning some follow-up steps will guide him into implementing stronger behaviours and thereby releasing the hurt. For example, if his best friend has “dumped” him, the follow-up steps could include how he should behave and what he should say when he next sees him at school.

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