When I ask a client if there is anyone they need to forgive, often the immediate answer is no.

However, when we start our work together and I delve deeper into their symptoms, there is almost always some resentment, anger, blame and even hate lying underneath. It’s not always unexpected – they already know that they have these feelings. But people often don’t relate these feelings to the need for forgiveness.

Conflict

Forgiveness has a sense of religious and spiritual unattainability that can put us off even thinking about it. We’re brought up with this ideal that says we MUST forgive others because it’s the moral thing to do.

And then comes the guilt. Are we a bad person because we don’t want to forgive? Are we evil because we want retribution for how we were treated? Are we self-centred because we want the other person to acknowledge how they hurt us? What does it say about our pain if we trivialise it by saying “ah, ok I forgive you, just don’t do it again.”

How can we consider forgiveness when there is so much conflict to address?

The Reason To Forgive

Take a moment to think about the meaning of these words:

ANGER

HATE

BLAME

RESENTMENT

Did they make you feel bad just reading them? Perhaps you felt your tummy tighten as you braced yourself against what they stand for. And that’s just from reading these words.

Now imagine what’s happening to your body as you carry these feelings around with you every single day.

It’s no coincidence that getting rid of these feelings improves confidence, self-esteem and your over-all sense of well-being. It’s no coincidence that actual physical pain, illness and disease start to reduce as you stop these feelings from gnawing away at your health from inside.

The key to this is forgiveness. The kind of forgiveness that comes from deep inside you. And this is a tremendously difficult thing to do when you’ve been badly hurt, neglected or abused.

But you already know – without me having to say it – that carrying these feelings around is hurting you and it’s doing nothing to make the other person repent for what they’ve done.

Forgiveness is not about morality. It’s about your good health.

Simone’s story

Simone (not her real name) came to me for help with her confidence soon after she’d started a new business. After working through the top layer of her issue, we eventually arrived at the core of what was keeping her stuck. Simone’s world and self-identity had been destroyed after having been sexually abused by her stepfather as a child.

She told me straight up that there was no way she was going to forgive this man for what he had done to her. And I never tried to make her.

Instead, I helped Simone find her own strategy for removing the impact of her stepfather. The day Simone found her strategy, her tears were unstoppable as she grieved for her lost childhood and all the opportunities that had slipped by her.

Now, when she thought about her stepfather, she felt no pain or hatred. Instead, she felt pity for the way he had behaved but saw it as his weakness, unrelated to her. She never said she’d forgiven him, but his impact on her life was gone. Her confidence was back and she seemed all lit up from inside – radiant and glowing.

Simone shows that forgiveness is a process by which we remove the negative impact of someone else’s behaviour from our spirit.

What kind of conflicts come up for you when you think about forgiveness?

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